Stressing out

Yeah. I’m stressed out already for the upcoming semester and it hasn’t even started yet. I’d love to just take the three classes and push out my thesis until the spring, and do it the way that I had originally intended… a full semester working on nothing but the thesis alone, by itself. The trouble with that plan is, I’m working at a job that I really have grown to resent, and I’m planning on heading out of the area in the summer after graduation. If I push out the thesis, then I won’t be able to get a semester of adjunct teaching under my belt before moving away.

Me and commitment, not so much right now

I just don’t want to lock in to a topic yet. That’s what it comes down to. I found out that I can use the ‘thesis’ option to produce a substantive white paper or article. That helps. I can wrap my brain around the concept of an article or a white paper. It was the “make a website” or “do original research” which was confusing the hell out of me. QU’s program is awesome, but they have no Methods training coursework for original research, and they do not offer enough substance on the coding/artistic side to allow for “make a website” on a professional scale.

Well, even with the new formats available, I don’t want to commit to anything right now. And I really feel pressured to do so, internally and externally. This year has been insane. Absolutely insane. Do I push back and cut myself some slack but give up the opportunity to get in a semester’s experience developing a curriculum and teaching collegiate courses, just to give me a less stressful thesis writing experience? Or do I continue on full steam ahead, torpedos be damned?

Where do we go from here?

One of the scariest things about this all for me is the periodic waves of despair coming from the knowledge that despite how awesome it is to study Interactive Communications, applying the theoretical into the practical meets with profound resistance at all industry levels. We talk a looooooot at work about how education is one of our primary duties, but I have to tell ya… no one is listening. No one is even really interested at all in hearing anything aside from “You’re right, I really *am* just making all this crap up to bother you and prevent you from doing anything on time.”

I’m scared that this is what it’s going to be like, whether on the client side or not, whether in advertising, marketing, PR, what have you. I left TracyLocke voluntarily in a bad economy because of one project. One single project where Account was so cocksure of themselves that they steamrolled over me, ignored all of my emails, and pushed a project ahead without my consent and in direct opposition to my advice. It ended up blowing up in their faces, and they had the audacity to come back and try to pin the blame on me. And when I produced the reams of printouts about the project and highlighted all my warnings, they tried to blame the vendor instead.

Is it always like this? I’m hoping that this is just symptomatic of working in a place where one paradigm is butting up against a competing paradigm. I’m really hoping that this $30K in graduate education is going to pan out with a career field which doesn’t require constant attempts to educate coworkers who neither listen nor care, but sure do shout a lot when it comes time to blame.  Maybe it’s different in a completely interactive business environment, but outside of software development houses and interactive ad agencies, what are those? Maybe I need to move further west, to find a place where the interactive paradigm has gained the upper hand. Maybe there I’ll find some kind of work which won’t stress me out all the time and make me want to throttle my coworkers for their arrogant pride in their own damned ignorance.

Maybe.

Otherwise I’ll have to up my medications seriously for the next three years, which is the amount of time it will take me to pay off the investment I just made.

Maybe I’m just absolutely exhausted and I need some time off. Completely off, no running anywhere or doing anything.

I don’t know what to dream for more… resolution on my thesis subject, a better career position that doesn’t require forced reeducation of coworkers, or time off to recuperate.

One of each, please.

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